Sunday, 27 May 2012

He really wants this head case on the road?

First of all, I need to apologise to you blog.  

Sorry. So sorry. I'm an arse. I went back to work and that means I've been too focused elsewhere to dedicate any time to you, just as we were getting to know one another too. Well returning to work is partly responsible...  The Voice, Offspring and Snog, Marry, Avoid may have also played a role. 

What a mole. I am, you can say it blog. I'm sorry.

A bunch of stuff has happened, I won't bombard. I might start with today though. No biggie... I JUST HAD A FREAKIN' DRIVING LESSON! Yes, me. Driving. Go ahead, laugh, it's OK.

Apparently my 20 year procrastination was wearing a bit thin. My "We can't afford lessons" and "I've got no time, what, with the kids and all' line of bullshit was nipped in the bud by my resourceful husband. He booked me a lesson. 

Insert panic attack..... NOW!

"Who with? Is it a guy or a girl? Young or old? Did they sound calm? Do they know about me? Maybe you should cancel, let me find someone, someone who knows I can't drive. What day? Monday? Noooooo, no Mondays are no good, I'm too busy with work. Shit, shit, shit....."

I'm not gonna get away with it. He's gonna make me do it. 

Let me explain. I would like to drive. I even have dreams where I'm driving. I have no idea what I'm doing, and a police bust is always imminent as I swerve all over the joint, but I get from A to B. Reality though is that I would like to drive and be instantly awesome at it. Learning to maneuver a tonne of motorised metal on roads full of other tonnes of motorised metal scares the living shit out of me. I can barely cross a road on foot with my eyes open. I missed out on seeing a bunch of shops in Bali because of my fear of roads. "Oh, look at that shop over there with exactly everything I've been looking for in it, pity it's on the other side of the road. Oh well, nevermind."

Flash back to my pregnancy with Ruby, late in the year 2000. OK, I'm about to be a mum, I'm 25 and most of my friends have been driving for years. I better get this license. Right, let's book a lesson. Lesson is booked, instructor arrives, I squeeze my fat arse into the drivers seat and start sobbing hysterically. The poor dude didn't know what to do. I was sobbing, tear snot, dribbling. Lesson over.

Now here we are 2012. Living away from a big city, a mother of 3 with no more excuses. Shit, why am I such a head case? I'm my own worse enemy. 

Andy has even taken gears out of the equation this time and booked me an automatic lesson. The guy arrives. Elderly, Canadian and poorly wigged. It's distracting, this mop of haphazardly placed synthetic yarn atop his noggin. STOP IT REBEL. Focus. 

Alright, this car is unoffensive enough, here we go. He allows me no time to lose my shit, straight into it... "That's your gas, that's your brake... drive..." FUCK. This is really happening. The guy proceeds to recite his entire cheesy gag thesis. SHUT UP DUDE! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM FUCKING DOING AND THERE ARE OTHER CARS ON THIS FUCKING ROAD YOU DICKHEAD.... OK, that was my internal dialog, in reality I was gripping that wheel like my last twistie and nodding politely.

I can't drive. I'm usually good at stuff and it screws my head that I'm not good at this. It's ruining my grade point average. Plus, I could die, or kill someone, or be seen... in public... in a learner car with Mr Toupe 2012.

One hour of several courses of the same route. I still can't drive. Worse still, I have to do it again. Next week. Fuck.

Old age? Insult to injury.

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